Moving On

Last night an unexpected conversation took place between me and my guy. It started off as a how's-your-day conversation. But somehow it lead to a serious and uncontrollable conversation. We were throwing words at each other..words that we were not even sure being process properly in our mind. We never had this before since we met each other for the duration of 7 years. It hurts me like hell. It felt like being stabbed by plenty of daggers at one go...right into my heart. Maybe the time bomb has finally activated.

We don't interact the way we used to interact. He have changed...and he told me that i have changed too. But i'm not quite agree with him. I want to understand him better. I care for him so much. So much so that i've driven him away from me. But day after day, he built his icy wall thicker. I should stop..I hope that there's a delete button where i can just press and delete all the unwanted memory with him. Just left with those what we used to be friend. I realise the button is right in front of me all these while...my will power is my delete button that i've been searching for months. It's devastating that i have to go thru this with him. I mustn't care for him at all...it's just not worth it. I lost myself in it..

After this second encounter in relationship, i have lost hope in love. At least for a very long time.. what is love? Why love make the world goes round? Isn't it suppose to be a fantastic experience? Isn't it suppose to lead to happily ever after like what we were being told to believe when we were children? Isn't it suppose to bring out the best of each other? Why is it so ugly? Why people get married and divorce later? Endless question in my mind...Maybe i don't know how to love someone. Perhaps i use the wrong way of caring for him. I don't know and i don't understand. And he refuse to explain...i hate it when i'm left hanging halfway in the air not knowing what to do..

Whatever it is, i have to stand up firmly to the ground. Walk away from the mess, clean myself and push the delete button with all my will power. I don't care anymore. I have enough pain in my heart. I need to regain myself. I need to move on. And, the only person i should love for now is ME.